holding back

this last week has been hard well more like the last month, i have been having panick attacs almost everyday if not more than one a day. I really miss all the people i have lost over the years and it feels like im getting more and more behind on my homework, yet i work on it everyday. but thats what happens to you when you miss two weeks of school cuze you dont want to go to school and be arownd alot of people.

I need to make a change find some thing that makes me happy and determend to do something or be someone better than i am now.

when i was at work today there were these two girls that came in that were oviosly very close friends, it took all my will power not to start crying knowing that now i dont have any one like that. I have allan but its really not the same, some times you need a girl to talk to and hang out with.

I hope that i can find a way and talk to her or i dont know i wish i knew what to do.

i need to remind myself that i have my family that i can talk to, or better yet i can close my eyes and talk to the one that always got me throu the hard times.

stressed

I have been really stress lately working, school, family, homework, letting go of my closest friend, and my sister getting close to having her baby (at 33 weeks). I did not go to one class this week or work on any homework, last week i never finished the homework i had to get done. the main reason for that is finally realizing that i am no longer friend with someone of the last ten year because i told her mom what was going on with her. she had been lying to her mom about so many things that was putting her daughter in a bad situation. i hated being the one to say something but i felt it was in the best interest of her child. losing a best friend is more painful than losing someone that you had dated. I really need to find a counselor to talk to about this so i can talk to someone, its really difficult to hold everything in and try to go on with your day knowing you have no one special to talk to about everything your feeling.

But on the up side Allan is no longer working on Sundays so we will get to start going to church as a family which has not ever happened. It will be nice to meet new people that have the same beliefs maybe even the same situations going on in there life that will be able to help learn from and become a better person. I really miss going to church and hearing Gods message, I am noticing how far I have slipped away from God.

The First

today is the first time i have posted something, i do not even know if i am in the right place, i have to learn sometime! I feel that blogging may help me feel a little better with my horable spelling and may also help me with being able to get out the feelings i tend to keep inside all the time.

Today was Arielle's 3rd Birthday. We did not have a big party Allan was working so I just spent a nice day with her playing and enjoying her company. As i was getting Arielle ready for bed she head butted my face, so i receved my very first fat lip this evening.
Today Arielle decided that there is no need for a nap and it is quite ok to be up playing in her room at almost 1130. my oh my she has her own little sleeping padderns laitly.